i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
