I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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