I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
