someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Blow job season was short but glorious.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
