I cockslap morals
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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