I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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