so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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