Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
