meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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