haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
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