I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
