So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
