I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
