my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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