Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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