I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
