I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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