at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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