2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
