and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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