Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Randomize
