Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
