1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
