You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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