you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
