My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
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Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
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Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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