Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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