just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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