Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
