i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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