Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
