Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
