She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
