Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
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All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
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Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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