She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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