In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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