Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
