they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
