Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
