i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
