Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
