It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
