I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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