Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
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He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
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My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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