Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize