I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
