Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
