it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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