So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
