Duck Duck Cougar?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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