you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
