I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
