you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
