After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
