Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
