Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
