you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
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